1001 Short Relena Deathfics
by Double Oh Behave
Summary: I don't really need to explain this, do I? Heavy bashing of Relena and poloticians and hints of yaoi in later chapters. flames will be used to attack Relena's mansion.
1. Death by HorrorMovie Villain

1001 Relena Deathfics  
  
1-10: Death by Horror Movie Villain  
  
Number 1: Death by Phantasmagorical Demon.  
  
Relena 1 had a lot of problems, but her biggest problem was a tendancy to fall asleep at the dropof a hat. on one such occasion, when she fell asleep in church, she found heself in a strangenew dream world: A huge boiler room. Looking around her, The stupid girl was shocked by the complete lack of pinkness, and abruptly decided to do something about it. Painting the furnacewith her vile pink nail varnish, she didn't notice the comely man in the red and black sweater and matching clawed glove until he angrily smashed a champagne bottle over her head.  
"What the hell are you doin' to my furnace?" Relena turned, grinning stupidly as she launchedinto her unnescaserily long welcome speech.  
"Hi! I'm Relena Peacecraft, and I'm an ambassador for peace, don't you think peace is cool, IMean it's so peacefull and cool and, like, wow, isn't my voice totally annoying, and who areyou and do you believe in god or peace and when will the author make you kill me so he can get to the next bit and why am I so obsessed with pink and is Lady Une really a member of the KGBand are Dorothy's eyebrows really catterpillars and...urgh" Relena's sentance was cut short asthe talented Mr. Krueger finally got sick of the silly little cow and jammed his clawed hand downher throat.  
  
Number 2: Death by Crazy Psycho Killer Doll.  
  
Relena 2 loved dolls. She collected them. So it was no surprise that when she saw a horribledoll with thick red hair, a toy bunny in one hand and a knife in the other, she bought it.Never mind the fact that the doll tried to slit her throat when she picked it up. A doll is a doll, she thought. Never mind the fact that he'd easily overpowered her, tied her up and was lowly disembowling her. Relena 2 smiled to herself as she thought of the hours of fun she'd have with her new doll. sadly, her hopes of joy were dashed as Chucky ripped her intestines out and began to force them into the dizzy young woman's mouth.  
  
Number 3: Death by Djinn.  
  
One day, Relena 3 was walking along the busy high street when a suave man stopped her.  
"Is there anything you want?" he asked her. "Anything at all?"  
"Yes!" the mentally challenged girl shouted. "I want to get screwed by Heero!" The man grinned.  
"As you wish..." Relena 3 grinned, then exploded as Heero's gundam stepped on her. The starnge man smiled.  
"There. Now you're really screwed."  
  
Number 4: Death by Blob.  
  
One day, Relena 4 met The Blob. Having never been a fan of old, badly made B-Movies, the stupid, thick-headded old buzzard didn't know what kind of creature the blob was. In fact, she didn't even know it WAS a blob. She simply mistook it for Strawberry jelly (jello if you're American) and tried to eat it. Needless to say, the Blob wasn't happy. In fact it was downright peeved! It promptly ate the pink ditz.  
  
Number 5: Death by Aliens.  
  
Far, far, away, in a land where short fics did not begin with the words "one day" there was a war. This war was between humans and Aliens. The war had been going on for years, ever since the aliens discovered that the humans had cable TV and didn't tell them. During all this, a plucky young girl named Relena 5 decided to take matters into her own hands. Armed only with her wits, and precious few of those, she went up against a million-strong army of bloodthirsty, vicious, violent, mind-bogglingly evil aliens. Did she succeed? Did she buggery.  
  
Number 6: Death by Crazy Psycho Killer Doll's Wife.   
  
Back in part 2, Relena 2 was brutally murdered by a crazy psycho killer doll called Chucky. What Chucky didn't know was Relena 2 had a sister called Relena 6. As a result, the diminuitive doll was destroyed by said sister. However, Relena 6 didn't know Chucky had a wife called Tiffany. At least she didn't know until Tiffany beat her to death with a frying pan, screaming  
"You bitch! You shameless slut! You killed my man!"  
  
Number 7: Death by Giant Alligator.  
  
While out for a walk, Relena 7 was unlucky enough to get her head bitten off by a giant alligator.  
  
Number 8: Death by Psycho.  
  
Relena 8 had gotten lost, as was her wont. rather than use her perfectly good mobile phone to call for help, the stupid wobbling great mass of sadness and cellulite decided to go and see if the scary spooky hotel in the middle of nowhere had any vacancies. It did, of course. She was shown to her room by a charming man named Norman Bates. Later while Relena showered, (for the love of Ritz, don't try to visualise it) the sweet, harmless-looking Mr. Bates crept into the shower and violently murdered the young wench, and he did it with such skill and finesse, that although the water ran red with blood, we never once saw the knife penetrate.  
  
Number 9: Death by Candyman.  
  
Having recently seen the film "Candyman", Relena 9 immediately decded to summon the candyman so she could give him a piece of her mind. Standing before her mirror and exclaiming "candyman" five times, she glared as the big hook-handed killer materialised behind her. She instantly launched into a tirade often practiced in front of the bedroom mirror, berating the Candyman for killing, maiming, scaring kidsies, and using the wrong fork at dinner. Not realising she was shouting at a reflection, Relena 9 was gutted like a fish.  
  
Number 10: Death by Wierd Flying Monkey Things.

once upon a time, relena 10 found herself whisked away magicaly to a strange colourful place where, before she could even move, she was arrested for dropping a car on Miss Margaret Thatcher, the Wicked Witch of the West. She was tried, found guilty and locked up after being sentanced to, be beaten about the thighs with a red-hot poker. But! During the night some magical flying monkeys came and rescued Relena 10. they carried her away from the castle, away from the evil King Bush and his loyal servant Mr. Blair. Higher and higher, faster and faster, until they suddenly dropped her because they found out she was supporting the Tories and she liked Michael Portillo.   
  
Coming soon, Chapter 2: Death by video Game.


	2. Death by Video Game Characters

1001 Relena Deathfics  
  
11-20: Death by Video Game  
  
Number 11: Death by Hitman.  
  
Relena 11, unhampered by any kind of inhibition, skipped merrily through muddy puddles, unaware that she was being watched by a tall, sinister bald man. (No, not Richard O'Brian) As she stopped for a moment to catch her breath, the man known only as "Agent 47" or "Mr. Byrd" as his friends call him, crept up behind her, wrapping a garotte wire around her neck and leaning back. Relena 11 was able to struggle patheticaly for a few seconds before gravity crushed her throat.  
  
Number 12: Death by Worms.  
  
strolling through the grass one day, Relena 12 was shocked when a grenade landed next to her. Now, unlike her predecessors, this Relena was smart. So, she ran, dodging grenades, bombs, old women, exploding sheep, even the Sally Army. Then, as a huge shadow fell over her, and she stooped to help the poor shadw up and opologise for tripping it up, she was squished by a concrete Donkey, while off in the distance, Agent Dennis, Jegg, Tapper and 200 Ponies laughed there wormy little socks off.  
  
Number 13: Death by 12-foot Sword.  
  
As Relena 13 cantered through the mountains, she came across a young woman lain unmoving in the middle of the path. Naturaly concerned, Relena 13 tried to help her. Meanwhile... "Guts! Guts! There's a bad lady tryin' to hurt Casca!" Back with Relena...  
"Raaaggghhh!!!" Relena looked up in shock as a big, big man wielding a 12-foot sword lunged, chopping her up into little bitty pieces.  
  
Number 14: Death by Ninja.  
  
One day, upon hearing that lots of children had been kidnapped and were being brainwashed and turned into dope dealers, Relena 14 decided to take matters into her own clammy hands. She made her way to the docks where the kidsies were being kept, and, amazingly, managed to slip past the guards. However, as she was freeing one of the kidsies, she was killed as a man in a black Ninja outfit got her in the back with one of his magic shurikens.  
  
Number 15: Death by Short Fat Italian Plumber.  
  
A few days ago, while walking through a wonderfuly trippy 2D world, full of floating blocks and flying turtles, a short fat Italian plumber bounced of Relena 15's head, squishing her flat.  
  
Number 16: Death by Unbelievably Fat Man.  
  
Relena 16 was a party girl, you know, one of those girls who sits in giant cakes and jumps out to fake gasps of surprise. Anyway, when someone told her she had been invited to the "Meat King" Campbell Sturrock's latest "I'm the fattest guy on earth" party, she became overjoyed, all too happy to climb inside a giant chicken as a surprise. However, she didn't count on Fatty McFat Fat, winner of this year's Mr Fat competition, snatching the giant chicken up to eat it all at once, eating Relena 16 as well as the "lovely, lovely birdie".  
  
Number 17: Death by Creepy Kidsie With Giant Fist.  
  
One day, as Relena 17 was walking through some long grass, she met a little boy, called Alex Kidd. Before she could introduce herself, Alex punched her with an oversized fist, dissolving her in a puff of 2D pixelated smoke.  
  
Number 18: Death by Very Lucky Lady.  
  
Relena 18 was in the Army. Never mind any sexist polocies the army may have, she was in there. After a while, when her superiors got sick of her, they sent her to battle against "Fortune". Needless to say, Relena 18 was quickly blown to bits by Fortune's rail gun.  
  
Number 19: Death by Pants.  
  
As a trainee villain, Relena 19 was often sent up against heroes. However, one day, she met her match in the eternaly popular, immaculately dressed, incredibly witty Mr. Pants, and she was destroyed by his out and out coolness.  
  
Number 20: Death by Transvestite Dinosaur.  
  
Relena 20 was a dreamer, just like Relena 1. one night, instead of dreaming that she was a sausage roll, as usual, she found herself in a strange place called The Land of Subcon, or Cornwall as the locals call it. Relena opened a big red door, and instantly got her head knocked off as a big pink transvestite dinosaur called Ostro spat an egg at her.  
  
Next chapter: Death by Retro Kidsie's TV Show.


	3. Death by Retro Kidsies TV Show

1001 Relena Deathfics  
  
21-30: Death by Retro Kidsie's TV Show.  
  
Number 21: Death by Giant Evil Wok Monster.  
  
"This is Button Moon" said the entertaining narrator voice. "ah, here comes the spaceship made out of a Hienz baked beans tin. And here's the spoon family. Hello, Mr. Spoon. Hello, Mrs. Spoon. Hello, Tina Teaspoon. I wonder what we'll see on Button Moon today. Oh, look! It's a girl in pink clothes. Tina Teaspoon doesn't know why the silly girl wears pink. Look out! It's the evil Wok Monster, flying through Blanket Sky! Don't worry, Mr. Spoon. Don't worry, Mrs. Spoon. Don't worry, Tina Teaspoon. The Wok Monster doesn't want to hurt you. He's just here for the bitch in the pink skirt. Oh, look! The Wok Monster has knocked the pink girl off Button Moon! Oh, well. Goodbye, Mr. Spoon. Goodbye, Mrs. Spoon. Goodbye, Tina Teaspoon.  
  
Number 22: Death by Irate Man in a Bear Suit.  
  
" Hello, boys and girls" said Geoffrey. "You're just in time. Bungle's tower of blocks is 5 blocks high! that's nearly as high as George's. I just hope Zippy doesn't knock it down again. If he does, our new friend Relena won't be able to see it." Right on cue, just as he said this, Zippy the orange thing with a zipper for a gob showed up, knocking Bungle the Bear's tower down. "That's it!" Bungle yelled. "I'm fed up and cross, and i'm not playing any more!" Then, in the blink of an eye, He turned and began to maul Relena 22. "Now, Bungle" said Geoffrey. "It's not nice to hurt our friend."  
  
"Oh, please can't I kill her, Geoffrey? All that pink is hurting my eyes!"  
  
" Oh, alright, Bungle. And then we'll all go and read a story."  
  
Number 23: Death by Flying Rabbit.  
  
One day, while visiting Coockooland, Relena 23 was shocked to see a huge rabbit fly overhead. It was Bully Bundy, the Showbusiness rabbit, who had gained the power of flight after he was zapped by Jamie's magic torch. Seeing her, the rabbit was overcome with excitement.  
  
"Alright, Bully Von Richtoven, dive, dive, dive!" The rabbit dived-bombed her, but as he swooped down, Jamie and his talking dog Wordsworth turned up and zapped Bully Bundy with the magic torch. Having lost his powers, Bully Bundy fell like a brick, squishing Relena under his considerable bulk just as Officer Gotcha appeared.  
  
"That's right upset me, that 'as! I shall 'ave to take a truncheon for me nerves! he exclaimed, eating his truncheon and pulling another from under his hat.  
  
Number 24: Death by Senile Vampire Hunter.  
  
On his neverending search for Count Duckula, the legendary vampire hunter, Van Ducksing, was unfortunate enough to meet Relena 24. Mistaking her for a foul, loathsome minion of evil (well, it's an easily made mistake) he shot her through the heart with a stake.  
  
Number 25: Death by Villainous Toad.  
  
The villainous toad, Baron Greenback, laughed wheezily as he waxed poetic about his latest plan to deal with that pesky rodent, Dangermouse, and his short dumpy sidekick, Penfold, while the Baron's own henchbird, Stilletto, listend amicably. "Now go and put my brilliant plan into action" the overgrown amphibian wheezed, realising he'd have to stop smoking eventualy if he wanted to get rid of his gallopping lung rot.  
  
"Si, Baroni!" the crow replied, flying off out the window.Greenback's brilliant plan to simply shoot Dangermouse backfired, however, when a girl in pink walked into Stilletto's line of fire, and was rewarded with a hail of machine gun bullets.  
  
Number 26: Death by Screechy Voiced Dinosaur.  
  
When walking through the Mushroom kingdom, Relena 26 was subjected to the terror of Yoshi's voice, and her head exploded as Yoshi hit that special note while trying to sing "I Feel Love."  
  
Number 27: Death by Eco-villain.  
  
while giving a speech about how important the enviroment was, Relena 27 was abducted by a bright light and transported to a mystical island where she met five Planeteers, and Gaia, the spirit of the earth. Gaia, y'see, liked Relena's policy on pollution, so she made relena a planeteer, with the power of plant. However, when it comes down to it, making plants grow won't exactly stop a super-villain, will it? And so, when Relena tried to take Hoggish Greedly, Sly Sludge, Looten Plunder, Dr. Blight, Duke Nukem AND Verminous Skumm on alone, she was swiftly killed.  
  
Number 28: Death by Worst Catchphrase Ever.  
  
After overcoming all obstacles, rescuing the trapped fairie's and even defeating Ganon, Poor, unlucky Relena 28 was forced to commit suicide after hearing brown-haired Link's cry of "Well excuuuuuuuuse me, princess." Let's face it, you'd do the same if you were in her position.  
  
Number 29: Death by Posessed Toy.  
  
Relena 29 got a massive wooden stick through her eye after Pinocchio told the biggest lie of all: "Relena, I like you."  
  
Number 30: Death by Giant Rat-Human Hybrid.  
  
When she accidently stumbled into the lair of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, the last thing Relena 30 expected was to be decapitated by four human/turtle hybrids and their sensei, a giant rat called Splinter.  
  
Next chapter: Death by Knightmare. 


	4. Death by Random Unexplainable Factor

31 - 40 Death by Random, Unexplainable factor 

Yes, hello and welcome to the fourth chapter in this delightfully vitriolic torrent of hate, abuse and general nastiness directed towards that disgustingly hypocritical amorphous great mass of stupidness and cellulite that is Relena Peacecraft.

I thought I should start with a few notes before we begin with the violence proper for several perfectly valid reasons, the main one being that I can, so nerr. You'll remember at the end of the last chapter I claimed Chapter 4 would be "Death by Knightmare". I decided against this because Knightmare is not really very well known. Unless you were British during the late Eighties, you probably haven't even heard of it. So instead we have random unexplainable factors (not including The X Factor). If there were any actual Knightmare fans waiting with baited breath (which I very much doubt) I apologise, and would like to say with all sincerity that I couldn't care less.

Let us begin...

31 - Death by Lordi

We fade in on Relena 31 attending a big underground rave-party-type thing. Lots of people dancing, waving plastic devil pitchforks and wearing devil horns. Now this isn't because Relena likes this sort of thing. No, she probably listens to the likes of Leona Lewis or even, God forbid, Westlife. spits No, Relena is here because she has unwittingly stumbled into a Lordi music video. Now Relena has, rather unwisely, never seen a Lordi video. She's never even heard of them. Let's face it, any person who has never heard of what is easily the greatest band in the known universe deserves what they get. So when the music for "Devil is a Loser" starts up, Relena simply thinks to herself, 'Gosh, what awful, ghastly music'. The music didn't kill her though. It's really very sad that Relena would have survived, had she not been standing right next to the speaker stack that exploded in a fan-tab-an-awsomer blaze of special effects.

32 - Death by Wii

Relena 32 was a moderately lucky girl. She was one of the small number of people fortunate enough to get her hands on the new Nintendo Wii on Launch day. In her joy at acheiving this, she bought a copy of Wii Play with the extra Wii Remote in it for £34.99. Then she invited her dear friend Wufei to join her. Although Wufei didn't actualy like Relena. He just wanted to try the new Nintendo Wii, but was unable to secure one for himself. And so, it came to pass, while Relena and Wufei were enjoying a friendly game of Wii Shooting, Relena got a little too enthusiastic with the Wii Remote, and accidently walloped Wufei in the face with it. Naturaly, Wufei saw this as a great injustice and decided to retaliate by using his own Wii Remote to gouge Relena's eyes out. Then he succesfuly sued her corpse for damages, loss of self esteem and the tort of outrage, and was awarded the new Nintendo Wii as compensation.

33 - Death by Dreadnaut

Relena 33 was a contestant on Knightmare. She had managed to get through the auditions quite easily considering she lacked the required team of three advisers to guide her. Anyway, midway through Level 2 Relena was acosted by the Dreadnaut, the robotic Level 2 guard created through Technomancy. The Dreadnaut's natural reaction was to demand Relena give him the password. Relena's natural reaction was to ask her advisers for sugestions, except she didn't have any. So, to her credit, she did her best to guess, giving such answers as 'tree', 'housing' 'peace', and 'Henri Bergson' before she was dismembered horribly.

34 - Death by Overweight Spanish Maniac with a Potato Sack and an Overly Large Chainsaw

One day, the President's daughter, Ashley was kidnaped. When she was reported as being sighted in a small European village, the Government decided to send their best agent, Leon S. Kennedy, except he was on holiday with his boyfriend, Krauser, so they sent Relena instead. When Relena arrived at the small, quaint little village of Pueblo, she was startled to discover that the villagers were all ill-mannered, overly-gregarious maniacs intent on slaughtering her and using her head as a fashionable new type of bird house. Rather than use the perfectly functional Chicago Typewriter in her atache case, she reasoned that the best course of action would be to talk with the villagers, and to try and figure out what was disturbing them so, before settling down for tea and crumpets with that charming Saddler chap she'd heard about. Her plan never came to fruition, however, as the resident doctor, Mr. Salvador diagnosed her as being extremely annoying and garish, prescribing a large chainsaw through the neck twice a day for two weeks.

35 - Death by Fear

Relena 35 was a soldier, a warrior, a born fighter, some would say. Easily the best soldier available in the FOXHOUND unit, her codename, 'Blinding-Pink Snake' was known and ridiculed by foes both near and far. When a Russian fellow named Volgin decided to steal a marvelous new kind of superweapon, the 'Shagohod', the American Government, in all it's infinite wisdom, sent Blinding-Pink Snake into deepest Russia to destroy the Shagohod and eliminate Volgin. Unfortunately, Volgin had allied with a more famouse American soldier called The Boss, who had brought with her the legendary Cobra Unit, consisting of The Pain, The Fear, The End, The Fury, The late Sorrow, and The Apathy (who was written out at the last minute because nobody cared about him). After spending several long hours creeping about in the jungle, Relena decided it was probably best to actualy start doing something. So she proceeded, bypassing Ocelot and The Pain with a handily nonexistent cheat code at which point she met The Fear. Suffice to say, Relena never stood a chance against The Fear, what with his lovely breathy voice, his delightful giggle, and his self-dislocating arms.

36 - Death by Oversized Novelty Pythonesque Foot.

One day, while listening to her CD of old TV show theme tunes, Relena 36 was mildly surprised when Liberty Bell March by J P Sousa came on. Now she really shoudn't have been, because any sane person knows that Liberty Bell March is the theme tune from the incomparable Monty Python's Flying Circus. Relena didn't know this, however, because she's a thicky. But she tapped her foot in time with the music anyway, enjoying it immensly until a huge cartoon foot drawn by Mr. Terry Gilliam of America you know descended from the sky, squashing her flat with a lovely squashing sound.

37 - Death by Kiss

Relena 37 did not have a good taste in music. Like her equally stupid predecessor, Relena 31, she favoured ballads and cheesy pop music over such luminaries as Lordi, Twisted Sister, Ronnie Dio, Saxon, Iron Maiden and so on. So when she was invited to meet Kiss backstage after one of their gigs, Relena accepted. Of course, she had never heard of these musical legends, but, she reasoned, any band named Kiss must be lovely and cuddly like Terry Wogan, and not at all nasty and loud like that dreadful Alice Cooper person. Unfortunately, the backstage invitation was all a ruse concocted by Gene Simmons, who, after shaking Relena warmly by the hand, knocked her out and handed her over to Ozzy Osbourne, who took great delight in biting her head off.

38 - Death by Random Freak Asteroid.

Have pity for poor Relena 38. She was just another of those poor souls who died at the hands of an author far too lazy to dream up a coherent death. This particularly disgraceful cop-out occured when a big fiery meteorite fell from the ether, smashing her into little bits in a blaze of special effects so fantastic it could never in your life be adequately described in a rubbish fic like this.

39 - Death by Mr. Killjoy

You may not have heard of Mr. Killjoy. This is hardly surprising. Mr. Killjoy is an assasain. He's like Agent 47, only better because no-one seriously believes he exists, and he uses a hatchet to chop peoples heads off. Nobody knows what Mr. Killjoy looks like. The only people who see Mr. Killjoy's face never live long enough to tell anyone what they saw. Now although he's obviously never seen Mr. Killjoy, the lovely Heero Yuy has heard of his existence. He's not sure if Mr. Killjoy is real, but it can't hurt to try, can it? Luckily, Mr. Killjoy is very real. He read the sticky note that Heero left on the fridge, asking him to get rid of Relena, and gladly took the job. So when Relena heard strange voices singing "Nah, nah nah nah nah, calling Mr. Kiljoy..." she didn't immediately asociate it with a supernatural entity. And so, finaly, Mr. Killjoy chopped her head off.

40 - Death by Deep-Sea Transexual

Relena 40 was stubborn. One of her favourite hobbies was doing the exact opposite of what she was told. So when a weatherbeaten old naan bread told her that she must absolutly 'never, ever, ever go out fishing on Black Lake when the moon be full, ever', she immediately went fishing on Black Lake. However, the naan bread's warnings were genuine, and Relena was abducted by a scaly man fish called Old Gregg who hypnotised her into submission with his mangina before taking her back to his lair to marry her. Howerver, Gregg hadn't realised she was a woman. He thought she was a man, you see. Let's face it, she is rather mannish. So when he realised that Relena was female - and even worse, she didn't like Baileys - he killed her by turning her into pate and feeding her to The Funk.

Chapter 5 coming soon, probably.

Yes, I do own a Nintendo Wii.


End file.
